Sample Recipe from Where The Hell Is My Bacon?

BACON WITH JALAPEÑO DEVILED EGGS

Ingredients

12 eggs

1 lb. or infinity slices of bacon

3-4 medium Jalapeño peppers (NOT pronounced “juh-LAH-pin-ohs,” someone please tell my husband Sean this

Mayonnaise (I can’t measure this for you. Some people like their deviled egg mixture rough, some like it like soup. Start with 1/4 - 1/3 cup and add to your desired consistency.)

Mustard, 2 tablespoons or to taste (spicy brown or normal or whatever is your favorite)

Paprika

Salt & Pepper to taste  

Directions

Boil or steam your eggs. I’m not going to tell you how to do it. Everyone has their “tried and true” method for perfect boiled eggs. I have tried them all and they are all only sometimes true. None of them are 100 percent. So, cook your eggs in the shell however you normally prefer to do it. When done, run them under cold water or dunk them in a vat of ice water or whatever you need to do to get them cooled. Peel them, and pray to the egg gods you don’t have one of those piece-of-shit eggs that doesn’t want to peel and ends up being thrown across the room in anger. Allegedly.

Cook your bacon. Fry it in a skillet over medium-high heat or maybe in the oven. Get it fairly crispy but not burned. Or not. Make it how you love it. Drain the holy grail of foods on paper towels and put the leftover bacon grease in a jar and store in your fridge. The next time you make vegetables, sauté them in some hot bacon fat to make them edible. When the bacon is drained and cooled, coarsely chop or crumble. Don’t mince it. You want some good chunks in there.

Trim the stems off the ends of your Jalapeños. Cut them in half and clean out the seeds. If you like a mild zip, leave a few seeds. If you are one of those daring folk who like to push the envelope of heat, leave a lot of seeds. If you remove them all, you’ll have very little heat but you will get a nice smoky flavor. It’s all good. Chop those suckers up pretty finely or better yet, use a mini food processor if you are lazy like me. When you are done Jalapeño chopping, wash your hands really well and avoid touching your eyes. Use disposable gloves if you think you might forget to be careful because that stuff will sting like a bitch.

Cut your eggs in half lengthwise and take out the yolk. Put those delicious centers into a bowl and mash them with a fork. Add the Jalapeños, bacon, mustard, and mayonnaise, salt & pepper, and stir. Add mayonnaise and/or mustard as needed to your desired consistency. If you want, keep a couple tablespoons of the crumbled bacon aside to sprinkle on top of your masterpiece later on. I personally do not do this because sometimes it falls off and then people at your party pick at the bacon pieces on the tray, leaving less for you to enjoy. I’m selfish that way, so I put all my bacon safely inside the yolk mixture.

If you like other crunchy shit in your deviled eggs, like onions, scallions, green peppers, or cheese, by all means add them. I am a purist, so I’ll just stick with the peppers and God’s gift of pork.

Tip: Do NOT attempt to substitute Ranch Dressing for the mayo. For the love of everything human, NO! Sean’s grandma did that once and it was not good.

Spoon the yolk-bacon-Jalapeño mixture into the egg white halves. Dust with paprika. Sprinkle with your spare crumbled bacon if you are one of those people. Taste one, because you have to. It’s your duty as a cook.

Tip: You should just double this recipe.

Now put 3-4 (or a half dozen) of those drool nuggets on a small plate, cover with your favorite wrap, and hide those suckers in the back of the fridge where no one can find them. You will thank me later. Plate up the rest and head to the party. Start your timer and watch how fast they disappear.